I’m lying down on my couch in my underwear watching Through the Wormhole on the DVR. It’s 10:30 or so. I hear and feel a large thump. I assume it’s the cat jumping off the shelves in the bedroom. I continue to watch the show. BAM! I hear the noise again, only this time it is clear that it is coming from outside. I look out my shuttered windows. I can’t see dick because the street is dark out there and my goddamned lights are on. I open the door, practically kicking my cats head in as I block him from getting outside, and I step onto my front stoop…
There’s no light but my annoying neighbor’s blinding porch light. Hate those fuckers. Not because of the light, but because they seem to have 12 cars taking up the entire block and their goddamned camper is a blight on the street and never fucking moves, and I hate the sight of their fat kids on razor scooters going back and forth on the sidewalks all the damn day! But I digress.
The noise that has me standing in my underwear on my front stoop is coming from the creepy house directly across the street. This is the house with the crazy sword wielding guy I posted about a few weeks ago. There are no lights on over there. I can hear someone inside screaming. “Fuck you! Motherfucking $300 the FUCK!” Then I hear a smash that scares the shit out of me. Like the guy is throwing a couch around his living room. The thump rattles his house and I can feel it. It’s freaky. More obscenities fly. “Fuck Jesus! Fucking god! Asshole fucking shit! Get the fuck out! I don’t fucking need you!!!” Wham! I don’t hear anyone else over there. There’s no sign of movement at all. Just a dark house, no curtains on the windows. A lone green chrysler in the driveway. Silence. All I hear now is my irritating dog pacing inside the house. That dog is largely useless. God forbid he bark or get anxious at the disturbance across the street. Now if it was a cat out there, 3 blocks away standing in a yard, he’d be having a conniption fit. Useless animal, I tell ya! Screw these crazy ass neighbors, Morgan Freeman can’t wait to tell me about 3 dimensional galactic branes with strings stuck to them!
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